“Heey, and we pray, and we pray, and we pray, and we pray
Everyday, everyday everyday, everyday
And we pray, and we pray, and we pray, and we pray, and still we lay” ~ Capasso
I am at a crossroads. I started out as a career journalist. Fifteen years later, I’m doing a job I hate. I have severe anxiety disorder. I live on medication just to get by. I had so much hope coming into news media. But I seem to have been swallowed up by the beast. I lost myself.
This is certainly not what I signed up for. I am hyper paranoid. And I suspect my bipolar might be acting up a tinge. I am deeply unhappy. Stuck in a toxic work environment with colleagues who are slowly turning the proverbial knife. I lose myself.
Yet, the thing that keeps me back from ending it all, is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of life beyond the wage. I have my letter all typed up. Friends tell me it would be rash to send it, that I need to stick it out. But what if this is my last year on this earth. I must start to find myself.
Maya Angelou is quoted as saying: “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” I like myself when I’m podcasting. I like podcasting. And I like how I podcast. I found myself.
If only I could be as brave as those words. Still, the bills loom large. Where would we live? What would we eat? If its truly a myth that podcasting doesn’t pay, then why am I not seeing great returns. Instead, I’m stuck in a job I hate, to pay the bills so that I can pursue my passion at night. Like some macabre Superman/Clarke Kent.