Panic stations, everyone!!!! The nanny needs a personal day tomorrow, so I will be all alone with the baby all day. By myself. All she will have is me.
I have had to do my breathing exercises, just to calm down. It helps for abit. But then I remember, and I end up breaking out into a cold sweat just thinking of all the things that can go wrong.
I keep telling myself, “I am enough”; “I am adequate”. But, in all honesty, I don’t believe it. If this was a test, to see how I can cope with real life situations, I have already failed.
Last night, after I breastfed her, she kinda pushed me away and cried for daddy. He settled her off to sleep almost immediately. I felt rejected. All those nights I spent in hospital, she was forced to find a new bedtime routine. She doesn’t need me anymore, I thought. Like rapid fire, the next thought struck, “I am no longer able to comfort and soothe her to sleep”. But then, when she woke up in the early morning hours, I was able to settle her back to sleep. The evidence appears to contradict the negative thoughts.
I can do this. I am good enough. All she needs is love, and I have plenty love to give. All I need is within me now. Let’s take it one moment at a time. And breathe.