Mum mum

Candice Nolan / Oct 7, 2017

Mum mum

She is the sweetest little soul. I sit with her on her rubber playmat. She is very meticulous. Pays attention to each and every toy, from flavour of the month to the more mundane.

Every now and again she would stop by for a cuddle. “Mum mum”, she says. All my coaxing finally paid off! We are getting to know each other, and I am no longer anxious about our bonding.

When I really think on it, I have much to be grateful for. She is an easy going baby, who takes change in her stride. Mostly content to play on her own, but also enjoys it when one of the adults comes down to her level for playtime. We are building a solid foundation.

Now that I have addressed my mental health issues, I am better able to take life on life’s terms. She has remained a constant. It’s really my attitude and outlook that have changed. 

Seeking help is critical. You’re not supposed to feel like how I felt. Now I know what “normal” feels like. I lost valuable sleep hours, obsessing over my sleeping infant. “What if she gets tangled in her blankets and can’t cry out for help?!” “Oh gosh! Remember when you were sitting on the rocking chair? what if you knocked her head on the wooden frame?!” I would freeze, break out in a cold sweat, with my whole body tensed up! It was torture.

Getting enough quality sleep is critical for recovery. And I couldn’t put my sleep deprivation down to baby’s constant waking. Well, not past the first three months anyway, when she was in a habit of sleeping through the night. It was all a symptom of my depression. A vicious cycle of insomnia and fatigue.

I seem to have broken the cycle for now. Mindfulness is important. H.A.L.T. When I’m feeling low, I have to ask, am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. We all do.


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