Two myself

Candice Nolan / Apr 26, 2019

Two myself

If you could write a note to the version of yourself from two years back, what would you write? I’ve been pondering my past pitfalls, things I wish I’d known back then. For me, that’s when things really began to unravel.

So hear goes.

Dear 2017

You are full of shit. The centre of the universe you are not. Now that I’ve got your attention. Stop taking yourself so seriously. You have a mental illness, as yet undiagnosed. Be gentler on yourself. The sky is not falling.

When I look back at you all those months ago. You seem frantic. Frightened. You were all those things and more. But, it does get better. This here note is testament to that. You will soar on wings of eagles. The only thing stopping you is you.

Like my bi polar, I am two. But unlike my bi polar, I do not intend bouncing between the two extremes. That’s chaotic. It’s not me, now. My healing is holistic, deep rooted, sound. I do not fit the diagnosis anymore. I have Hymie to thank for this.

I do not have any regrets. The events of the last two years were all a necessary evil. They forced me to confront the worst of myself, so that I could become the best of myself. I haven’t shared much about this, but I went through a disciplinary hearing at work.

I see it as a baptism of fire. I had to go through it. At the time, one of my mentors told me that I had no choice but to go through it (not under, around or over it, but through it). And I did, emerging on the other end sturdier, more resilient.

It was scary to face the prospect of losing my job. I knew that my line manager was hell bent on having me fired. In my neck of the woods, one didn’t go through a disciplinary hearing only to get a promotion! But it was a good thing.

I have been hiding behind my job for years. Nestling in the comfort zone, basking in the security it offered. With the prospect of that being taken from me, I had to reinvent myself. The alternative was too ghastly.

And it was in the reinventing that I realised something quite remarkable, I discovered myself. A self that was always there, cushioned in fear. Hymie pointed out that my most crippling fear was a fear of success.

I embrace my success. But 2017, I embrace your failings also. It was only in confronting the worst of myself that I was able to get to this point. As I said, I have no regrets. Also, you make me laugh, when I think about how pompous and arrogant you were (still are)! Some things never change.

Signed, 2019

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